Road Trippin'

No, not that bureau...this one. Yeah, I know...when I mentioned the "bureau" last time, you were probably thinking of this...and this, but it was nothing of the kind (thank God). Nope, we were scheduled to visit one of the only two places in the country to print our paper currency. I had always wanted to visit the B of E and our route was going to take us right through Ft. Worthless, so why not? Besides, the admission fell right into the parameters...IT WAS FREE!!

There were a few catches though. We had to arrive 30 minutes before the tour to "clear security". No problem. We arrived in plenty of time and parked out in the bus lot so we were nice and level with plenty of room. As we milled around inside the coach, readying for our final approach, I heard a recorded announcement telling us "The Bureau of Engraving and Printing is a secured facility. All visitors, including children, are subject to a security screening prior to entering the Tour and Visitor Center. Cell phones or any electronic equipment, back packs, cameras, weapons, food, and drinks are prohibited." We couldn't bring any weapons into the facility? DAMN! I unholstered the 9mm and put it back in the lockbox. Just kidding, I never wear a holster, I just stick it in my waistband. But what really pissed me off was the fact that they allowed children. I contemplated trying to get the pistol in anyway, just in case.

In the end LeAnna talks me down wiser heads prevail and we leave the coach devoid of any unauthorized contraband. We enter the tour bus pickup area and immediately I see that although this is a tourist attraction, there's no doubt it's a Federal facility. Something about the two armed beefy guys, just a hunch. (Well, they looked big to me.) We pass through a metal detector and are directed over to a holding area to await the bus. Everyone was standing in a group, the cops staring a hole through ya. Even though there's air conditioning, yer sweatin' bullets... a silly voice pops into your head and starts yelling "RUN!! They're on to you!!", even though you haven't done anything. Well, I haven't! Really! That thing with the scissors was expunged from my record years ago.

So...we get on the bus and take a short ride to the main building. After checking in, we are directed to a small auditorium to watch a short movie about buses money. After the film we gather in the foyer and wait for our guide. She greets us and tells everyone that we have to stay together as a group, there will be a head count, and this is the last chance for a bathroom break for the duration of the tour. Guess where LeAnna went?

We got under way with a head count as we passed through the door. For a second I contemplate asking for the time or discussing the route numbers we had taken to get there, but I really didn't want to get kicked off the tour before it even started. It was pretty cool...for about the first five minutes, then it was like I was in Charlie Brown's classroom and she was the teacher. I got wrapped up in looking at the equipment and what they were actually doing. The talking was quickly fading into background noise.

A lot of what was going on in the plant was shielded from prying eyes be green tarps. The guide explained that they were working on the new $100 bill and it was still hush-hush. I wonder if they had some inside info about the election outcome? hmmm. Most of the other rooms were vacant. Not much was going on. It was a week day and it wasn't lunch time. Man, did I choose the wrong career! About the only time we saw anything going on was when some machines were running or when we saw a robot stacking the cash bricks onto a pallet. Boy, If I could get my hands on just one of those bricks...yeah, I know...I'd go to prison. But I can dream, can't I?

We finished the tour and were left to browse the displays in the lobby. I think I learned as much or more in the lobby as I did on the tour. Then it was our turn to head into the breach. By this I mean the dreaded gift shop. Oh there were the expected tchochkes...key chains, funny money and the like, but what really caught my eye were these. The sheets came in ones, twos, fives, tens, what ever denomination you wanted. The even cooler thing was, since money is printed in a sheet of 32 bills (and you thought you'd never learn anything here!), you could get any sort of block you wanted. I was thinking "Hey, how much could sixteen one dollar bills go for?" I mean I was actually saving them the work of cutting them apart, right?

Wrong. Turns out that a 16 block was $33.00. Hmmm...I'm no mathematician, but I'm sure that was more than I wanted to pay. So, basing the value of an uncut dollar at just over two bucks, I thought I could probably swing a four block set. Wrong again. Turns out a sheet of four ones was valued at nearly $4 each. WTF? Wasn't this the same money I'd be using to buy the money with? How could their money be worth more than my money? After all, they printed my bills here too. *sigh* Somehow the thought of framing four ones scotch-taped together really didn't give you that same feeling of "uniquity".(A "Bush-ism" just for this blog...my gift to you.)

Leaving the Bureau gift shop empty-handed, we head for the bus. A short ride back to the land of not-as-plenty later, we are walking towards our coach to the droning merry tune of the recorded announcement. But the day was not over! We were just a scant twenty minutes away from Nirvana...not the band the other thing.

And I'll tell you all about it mahn-yahn-ah...or there abouts...

Cheerio!